pretty girls make graves

I’m not usually one for these posts

But I’m sick of trying to live up to expectation.

Too much pressure from my parents, along with huge anxiety problems about my current relationship is becoming way too much to handle.

It’s gotten to the point where it is making me physically sick whenever I think about it. I don’t think I’ve metabolised a single meal all week and it’s a disgusting habit.

I’m sick of worrying about everything. About what I eat, what people think, where I’ll be a year from now, not being good enough for somebody who initially was the one who wanted me and chased me, when I would of otherwise not even bothered. I’m slowly losing faith in the ones who mean the most to me and it’s a horrible feeling.

I’m sick of always doubting myself and I’m especially sick of always having the be the backbone for my friends and my little brother. I care so much for the people around me, that I forget what’s good for me and I forget to look after me. I don’t need others to hold me up, I am strong in a sense, but lately I’m not myself and frankly, it’s terrifying.

I fear failure, more than anything else. To have so much responsibility, and so much pressure to live up to expectation is wearing me out so quickly. I shouldn’t be dreading going back to study, something I used to love and be good at. I shouldn’t dread my boyfriend coming home. I’ve fallen so hard so quickly and I could say that I love him (I won’t tell him that), but when he left I was a different person to who I am now. I was happy. I’m scared he will come home and not want me anymore because I’m different. I guess thinking about all the girls who’d like to have their way with him has really had its wear and tear on me and these days I’m too weak to compete with that. I want him to be happy, and I skeptical that I can provide that happiness when he returns.

I’m just so tired. Starting to give up.

I don’t even know why I’m writing this post. I don’t tell anybody my problems.